Not So Perfect
by Lex Noctis
Summary: Miranda discovers her dominating side witch causes Jack to break up with her. Heartbroken Miranda decides to move on. That takes her away from Earth and into a relationship with an asari named Niala. But Miranda still has feelings for that crazed biotic, too. When she finds out that Niala doesn't mid things progress in a direction she could not possibly foresee.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Not So Perfect.

**Fandom:** Mass Effect.

**Spoilers:** Mostly takes place after ME3 so spoilers for the whole trilogy.

**Pairings:** Miranda/Jack, Miranda/Niala, probably later on Miranda/Jack/Niala.

**Warnings:** Still WIP, but here's a most likely list: use of futuristic sex toys, strap-ons, D/s, bondage, masturbation, exhibitionism, orgasm denial, blowjobs, probably also anal and eventually group sex plus a fair share of vanilla fluffy stuff too.

**AN:** This story is an exploration of several things: 1) How emotional baggage can get in a way of getting what one truly wants and how that might backfire if people are not attentive enough. 2) How polyamorous relationships seem more natural for the asari because of their long lifespan. 3) Fears of melding in a sense of mind control and invasion of someone's private personality. 4) The possibility of melding with more then one person at the same time. It will probably take quite a bit of time and chapters to get though all of those.

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**Not So Perfect**

Chapter I

"Look at me, angel."

The kneeling asari lifted her head up, but her eyes were still closed shut. Miranda slowly took one step closer. Now she stood mere inches away from the kneeling figure before her. And she could feel it, too. The sound of Miranda's breath, the heat of her body, the tantalizing smell of leather, expensive perfume and her silky skin. Niala was not given a permission to move let alone touch the woman standing in front of her. Not that she could.

Curious outfit she was wearing was not there just to arouse her dominating partner. Strips of while noverian leather slithered all around her light blue body not really covering anything. They started at the collar around her neck, moved around her chest, circled back to her spine, crisscrossed over her abdomen and gone down to her thighs. Separate strips wound themselves around her hands and legs ending up connected to tightly fitting bracelets around her wrists and ankles.

As much aesthetically pleasing as this outfit was that was not its main function. At different points and various intervals the stripes were outfitted with special holes. That's where leather bracelets not unlike those on her wrists could be threaded through and indeed were. The asari was tightly bound. Her legs were fixed together in a kneeling position and her hands were bound to her sides. With this harness on Niala could only move her neck, fingers and toes. She was completely at the mercy of the tall brunette.

"Open your eyes and look at me." The gentle tone of the humans voice did not change, but this time there was more force behind it. There were two hidden promises in that voice. Miranda was making sure her little angel could imagine what would happen if she would not obey, but also what pleasure awaited her if she would submit.

The light blue skinned asari skipped a breath. The hidden meaning of those words made her eyelashes flutter. She opened her eyes and slowly lifted her gaze from the floor.

As her eyes traveled past full tights clad in black noverian leather catsuit, past folded over the stomach arms and tightly wrapped by that same leather breasts, Niala seemed to loose the ability to breathe. Her eyed traced the curve of brunettes neck, the strong chin. She lingered a moment on the lips of the human woman. Completely devoid of lipstick those lips did not need it. What those lips could do to her... just the thought of that made her squirm in her binds, heat rushed from her chest all the way down, firmly settling between her legs. Then finally one set of shining blue eyes looking up met the pair of blue eyes looking down.

And that was it. She was captured.

Miranda could clearly see in asari's oh-so-bright blue eyes that she caught her completely. Niala slowly let out a tiny breath that left her mouth a little open.

"Now, my little angel, I'm gonna ask you a question, a very important question. Would you answer it for me?"

"Yes." Asari answered in a small voice. She was mesmerized so completely by that long meaningful gaze of Miranda's slightly less bright blue eyes, she was still having trouble remembering to breathe. Right now those eyes were not icy, emotionless glaciers the ex-Cerberus agent used to have what seemed like a life and a half ago. No, Miranda's eyes that were intently locked with the other pair of blue eyes below her were warm yet fierce. Fierce like lightning. Though there was also something else in that look. A promise that all Niala dreams, all her desires will come true. All she had to do was to let that lightning strike her. The urge to just fall into those eyes, let everything go and simply give herself away to whatever they demanded was irresistible.

"Are you mine?"

The asari wanted to cry out, to to let her lover know everything she was feeling right now, but there were no words to express what she was feeling. There was only white haze filled with the need to please her captive in her head right now. Her whole being was so captivated she could only follow Miranda's lead.

"Yes, my lady."

Niala was the one who decided to call her that and Miranda admitted to herself that she indeed liked it more then "mistress". Mistresses are rich wives who hire maids and servants to be addressed that way. "My lady" held a certain regal, royal appeal. A way for knights and vassals, those who pledge their life and absolute loyalty, to address their suzerain. Hearing that from her lovers lips made Miranda melt inside. She did not however let any of it register on her face. While not having a lot of experience in playing this role Miranda has always excelled in preparation.

She planned for this night to be very special. She crooked her brow and puffed her lips in a slightly skeptical grimace.

"Mmm... How much of you belongs to me, angel? Tell me."

"Everything."

"Everything?" Just a tiny bit more skepticism in her voice. "Convince me."

"... My lady?" the asari breathed out in confusion. That was something new.

"Tell me how exactly you are mine. Be thorough." Miranda looked deeper into those bright blue eyes. "Or I'll leave."

"No!" almost cried Niala in disbelief. To leave her bound, helpless, not able to do anything about the need that was rising within her body under that promising gaze! She couldn't! What if she did? All those alarmed thoughts rushing behind asari's blue eyes were clearly visible to the woman standing in front of her.

Miranda lifted her hand and brushed Niala's cheek ever so slightly with the outside of her palm. Then she let her hand fall and remained standing motionless. Her posture implied clearly: I'm still here, but I'm waiting.

"Go on."

It seems that's all the reassurance the asari needed because after taking another breath she began to speak.

"All of me is yours. My body, my mind, my soul. I am here to give myself to you fully. All that I am and all that I can give is for you to take. All of my affection, desire, longing – all of it is for you. Whatever you do to me I will take. Whatever you wish of me I will do. Only thing I want right now is to show you."

She stopped speaking abruptly taking heavy open-mouthed breaths. This short speech seemed to shatter the reserved and slightly shy demeanor she had donned before. Now bounded asari was arching back and quivering with anticipation and desire. Desire fully ignited with a mere though of what Miranda could do to her and what she might want Niala to do for her dominating lady. Below that however was a tinge of fear. Fear that it was not enough. That she had said something wrong. That her lady was not satisfied. Fear that she would really just go, would leave her here bound, desperately needing, but all alone, lost without her lady.

After a torturous moment during witch that flicker of fear bubbled closer and closer to the surface, after a whirl of almost panicky thoughts rushed through Niala's mind – all so easy for Miranda to read through those bright blue eyes – the tall brunette smiled.

She slid even closer finally standing flush body to body with the kneeling asari, lifted her leather clad hands and cupped Niala's face with both of her palms. Her chin rested against Miranda's abdomen. Even though that pose did make her neck tingle slightly uncomfortably the rush of relief that ran through Niala's whole body made it all the more worth it. Miranda was looking at her from above and smiling that special kind of approving smile that made her chest tighten. The heat between her legs intensified and she felt her azure getting coated with wetness.

"That's what I wanted to hear." Leather clad fingers were running gently over Niala's face, tracing her tattoos, softly brushing against her lips, grazing the tips of her cheekbones. Then these wonderful hands moved to the back of Niala's neck and pressed her face harder against Miranda's stomach. As soon as those fingers brushed the sensitive folds of her neck the bonded asari shivered with pleasure. A soft whimper escaped her throat only adding to the amused expression on the humans beautiful face.

"Since you have been such a good little angel giving _me_ what I want so willingly, so obediently, I think I will give you a taste of what _you_ want." She paused. "If you behave and do whatever I tell you to do that is. You don't want to disappoint me after such a good confession, pet, do you?"

"N-no, my lady. Of course, not!" Stammered the asari. The sound of her voice was slightly muffled as Miranda was still holding her head tightly pressed against her body witch did not make talking any easier.

Leather clad hands finally let go of Niala's crest. Very slowly Miranda began to lower herself still standing flush with her captive. As the perfect body tightly covered in leather moved past Niara's face a mesmerized expression was replaced by a longing one. She could smell the distinctive scent of noverian leather mixed with Miranda's aroma – her expensive perfume and the odor of her body tangled together. She could feel the heat of that irresistible body reflecting on her cheeks. She pressed her chin and her mouth to the skin tight catsuit to feel every curve, every fold that was moving past her.

Miranda squatted elegantly next to her little angel and pulled away enticing an audible whimper at a loss from Niala.

"Be patient, pet. I'm going to give you something very good." She took asari's chin in her hand and looked her right in the eyes again. A smirk appeared on her beautiful face. "How is the special part of your outfit doing, my angel?"

"F-fine" Niala swallowed. She knew where this was going now. That special part of her harness. She shifted slightly in her bounds unable to move her legs closer together.

Sparing only a glance one might think that a metallic looking piece between her legs was just an accessory. A fancy addition to make the outfit look sexier. A piece of metal hold on by charged polymers that would just fall of magically at the moment of extreme arousal. And indeed Niala had several of those specially modeled pieces of underwear, but this plate had barely anything in common with them. This plate was a haptic feedback transmitter placed directly on her azure with the wide end already inside of her. It was securely fused in place by polymers. This little devilish device could make her feel anything. Fingers, lips, tongue, cock - any variation, any combination and all of the above at the same time.

It was only her second time using it. But the first time she was not bound. She was cradled in Miranda's arms, clutching onto her as the pleasure rumbled in waves over both of them. This time there was no familiar feeling of that gorgeous human body pressed against her, this time she would have to take it on her own.

"Is my little angel scared? You should not be. Don't you want to make me proud? Don't you want to show me just how much of you is mine?" The smile on Miranda's lips was amused yet her eyes flashed with that fierce need. The leather clad hand found its way to the blue asari's throat – the gesture of pure possessiveness.

Niala could only swallow and nod.

"Good. My little angel needs to take her reward eagerly, because_ I _want to give it. It is my desire to give you pleasure. You will take the pleasure I give you as long as I wish to give it. I might change my mind and stop giving you pleasure. That would be my wish. I may wish you to beg for me to continue. I might wish to deny you pleasure. I might wish for you to watch as I give myself pleasure while you watch unable to move or beg or speak, because I wish it to be so."

Every time Miranda mentioned "pleasure" her bound captive let out a barely audible whimper. With a satisfied final tug Miranda let go of her throat and picked up a small remote of the floor next to her instead. Then she pulled out her Omni-tool and punched in a few keystrokes. The remote buzzed slightly acknowledging that the new settings were accepted. The gaze of former operative shifted back to her pray.

"Now, pet, are you ready to receive your reward?"

"Yes." The response was quiet and breathless – a mixture of anticipation, anxiety, need and strong desire to prove herself. But no fear of hesitation this time. She knew that as much as this was new and unnerving, she wanted to do it. Niala wanted to receive her reward, to prove to her benevolent lady that she was hers.

"Here we go."

She felt it immediately. Fingers were gently parting her folds and oh-so-familiar tongue slowly, tenderly teased her at the very entrance. She was so very aroused just from being bound and so close to Miranda yet not able to touch her. The overwhelming sensations searing through her body made her azure gush in wetness.

Beautiful light blue skinned asari was bound so completely the only thing she could do was to clench her fists. Her spine arched and she could not stifle a low moan of pleasure. Part of her already dizzy with need mind knew that neither fingers nor tongue were really there. She did not care.

The movements of that tongue were still teasing her, moving through her folds, flickering the tender ridge of her clit just slightly, never staying in one place for long. She moaned again. Her need was rising fast, faster then she could ever predict and yet the terrible, glorious, beautiful tongue would only tease.

"P-please..." She whispered. "I need more..."

Miranda seemed not impressed.

"Please, my beautiful, wonderful l-lady... oh, Goddess... I want to show you more..."

Brunette leaned in closer to her face turning something on her remote. "I'd like to see you try," she murmured against the silver tattoo of the asari's lower lip.

Suddenly Niala felt a mouth closing over the swollen ridge of her clit sucking hard. At the same time a different tongue pressed enthusiastically at her entrance. It was not physically possible for a normal mouth to do that. The sensations were incredible. Asari lips opened to let out a cry of pleasure that was immediately stifled by another mouth pressing itself on top of those lips. Miranda took a short, hard, possessive kiss, let out a moan of her own and bit on that delicious tattooed lip. At the same time she pressed something on her remote.

One mouth became two, two tongues became three. With slow circular motions two tongues inspected every crevice, every turn, every fold and every inch of glistening azure. The mouths battled over her clit. Sucking motions became kissing and grazing of teeth against the sensitive flesh then sucking again.

"I'm going to... soon... oh, no... need to..." Niala barely had any strength to breathlessly push those words out against Miranda's lips. Her eyes started to go darker, black swirls of the meld beginning to creep up to her irises.

"Not just yet. Hold on." The brunette was now holding her prize in place by the shoulders not letting her stumble to the side. Their foreheads touched though they did not keep eye contact anymore. Former operative pushed another button on her remote and had to tighten her grip as Niala's body shuddered and swayed as a silent cry was pulling her mouth open.

That button made one of the tongues forgo its inspection and finally slide all the way inside. It kept going until its could not anymore. It was reaching further inside of her then Niala experienced before. No humanoid species was capable of that – the tongues were simply not long enough. It seems that problem was nothing to the haptic feedback device.

Suddenly all the motion stopped.

"Goddess!" let out the bound asari not sure to be happy of saddened at the sudden breather. She was so very close already. Any amount of extra pressure and she might not be able to hold back the meld.

"Do you want for this to continue?" the whisper came right next to her crest.

"Yes, my lady."

"And what if I do not wish for this to continue?"

Niala barely managed to suppress a sob. She was hovering at the edge, she needed the meld. It was almost painful to hold back. Her eyes were already swimming with blackness and she knew that Miranda could see it, too.

"I-I would be happy to fulfill... ah... any of your wishes, my lady." She managed to say trying desperately to hold on, not meld without permission, not fall over in her bounds and – oh, Goddess! – not to shift the device between her legs.

"And if I want to stop right now and leave you here alone with your need? Would you grant me that wish?"

"Yes..."

"What if I pleasured myself in front of you while denying you the meld? Would you want to fulfill what I want then?"

"Yes."

"Do you really want to grant me anything I wish from you tonight? Do you?!" Suddenly the questions were more aggressive, the fierce fire in leather clad woman's eyes more pronoun. Her hand was once again clutching around tender blue throat. She clicked the remote again and the movement resumed faster and with more force then before. Poor asari felt like all of her was being enveloped by the ever persistent tongue motions. One set of teeth closed around her clit while the other mouth was still busy sucking on the swollen ridge.

"Yes! Tonight, any night!"

"Anything? Absolutely anything? For me."

"Yes, Goddess! Yes!" She was screaming, her eyes stung with tears and the need was almost too much to resist. Her restrained body was convulsing, rocking hard into the familiar embrace of strong arms.

"Nia..." A murmur at her lips and her pet name nearly send Niala over the edge. "Join with me!"

Ah... That is all the permission she needed. Bright blue asari eyes were completely replaced by the blackness of the meld and she reached out pulling into a familiar mind. The need on both ends clashed in a whirl of arousal, desire and lust, but it was the rush of possessive, fierce desire of ownership from Miranda that finally pulled them both into a mind-shattering ograsm.

Both women screamed in unison, but even as the aftershocks of a shared orgasm started to spread over them, Miranda pressed and turned something on her remote. The bodies pressed tightly to one another shuddered as the new sensation was rolling and reflecting between them through the still strong joining of minds and sensations.

The tongues and mouths between Niala's legs were replaced by one strong hand. That hand was not gentle. Two fingers unceremoniously rammed all the way inside her dripping azure. They curled and scraped on the sides. The thumb was methodically running circles over the wet, swollen ridge of Niala's clit.

And then the hand started pumping.

Fast.

Faster.

Even faster.

Niala could almost recognize the possessive movements of one of Miranda's favorite positions. She loved being taken like that. That similarity pulled at her hart. She felt an appreciative mental caress from Miranda. Of course she would have caught that thought. Niala did not want to hide it.

Her utmost sincere possessiveness during their scenes was one of the things the blue skinned asari liked so much about the former operative. Miranda did not want to humiliate or degrade her, brunettes desire for dominance came from a different source. Not an urge to take over and exert power over someone, no not at all. Her possessiveness came from a deeply seeded desire of intimacy. To get someone Miranda cared about to trust her so much as to give themselves to her completely. What she really wanted was to hold that person as close as she could. Shield from everything outside those arms. Give her partner as much pleasure and release as she could. Own that person and never let go.

"_Nia... Yes. Mine. Only mine. Won't let you go. Ever."_

"_Yes. Yours."_

"_I can feel all of you. You gave yourself to me. And you do belong with me. Every last bit of you. To please however much I want. Now come for me, angel."_

How could she refuse?

They came undone together again. Shaking slightly trough the aftershocks as Miranda held her prized angel tightly to her chest. For several minutes they just sat like that breathing heavily and letting the meld dissipate on its own. Then as if wanting to confirm something Miranda slowly cupped her lovers cheek and pulled her face from her chest. Human hand guided the asari to look up into Miranda's eyes again. This time however the former operative did not interlock gazes with her lover. She seemingly inspected every inch of that beautiful face.

"_I can't believe I met this angel only six months ago!" _She thought to herself and smiled.

"My lady?" There was definitely a request coming.

"Yes, pet?"

"Could I possibly grant some of your wishes that would require a bit more movement? My legs feel a bit numb."

"I think a more active participation on your part is a rather good idea." Her smile broadened a little bit as she started undoing the restraints. "First we will take these clothes off and take a shower."

With the scene obviously finished for now, Niala picked up a more cheery tone.

"How about after you get my legs working again we do something less strenuous, but just as pleasant in the shower?"

"I'm game as long as we get to each have a turn, Nia." Miranda beamed at her as her hands were busy untangling the while leather strips and peeling them off of the blue skinned asari.

"Deal, but I'm first." She winked at the brunette.

"Oh, come on, you always want to be first outside of our scenes!" exclaimed the former operative massaging now completely naked form of the asari lying on the stomach beneath her.

"That's because I work so hard. Well, it's you mostly who works me that hard, but the point still stands."

"Fine. You can go first." Miranda let our an exasperated sigh and with a gentle slap on the right blue cheek got on her feet. She could not hold back the smile at the enthusiastic squeal that followed that slap. Tall brunette proceeded to the dresser starting to take her catsuit off on her way. There was a sound of movement from behind her back.

"You know, you have improved quite a lot these past months!" asari sounded genuinely impressed. "I would have never though you haven't been anyone else' domme before me."

"I did not really knew I wanted to be one before I got to know you." She took the top of her suit off and now worked on the boots.

"Really? When we met you were pretty dominating."

"Mmm... That was different. Well, not exactly... I knew I wanted something deeper then what I had before. Something more honest. I had to learn the hard way. I knew I wanted to be more dominating and I wanted to find a partner someday that would like to accommodate that part of me, but I never imagined being someones domme. I guess I was lucky to have stumbled on you during my rebound phase."

"Rebound phase? I remember you mentioned a couple of times you were in a relationship before meeting me, but I thought it ended much earlier..."

"It did. My girlfriend... Jack." Miranda could not help but flinch at the name. Even though a lot of time has passed, she even started seeing someone new, the way things ended between them still hurt. "She... she had problems with intimacy because of what happened to her when she was young. But I thought I got through to her. I thought we loved each other." Shaking off her boots, Miranda pulled the rest of her catsuit off of her legs and carefully hanged it in the dresser.

"It was my fault. After I discovered these urges I thought I could experiment with J... with her." Without turning around or looking at Nia she unhooked her bra as if shedding more of her clothes would help her get through this conversation faster. "It did not go well. We always had this animalistic, rough sex. Our sex life was mostly based around power play. Both of us were... are powerful women in everyday life – it seemed natural to have this sort of dynamic. I did not understand that she could not do anything else. She wasn't able to trust me fully."

The human woman stepped out of her lacy underwear and stood entirely naked pulling at her hands not daring to turn around.

"I finally managed to talk her into trying letting me to be the only dominating one. It backfired spectacularly. I always loved pushing her buttons. That time I was too good at it. I wanted more, to push the my boundaries as well as hers, but in the end I was thinking more of my own desires then hers." Miranda swallowed with some difficulty.

"I tied her up. And I pushed her. It seemed amusing at the time. I pushed so hard that when I finally touched her she fell apart. She probably felt violated, like how it was before... Like it was not me... Maybe she saw _them_ again..." Former operative's voice trailed into a whisper, then broke away completely.

There was a moment of silence. Then a small, tentative voice came from behind brunette humans back.

"What happened? Did she cry or became hysterical? That happens sometimes with new people. Did you have a safe word?"

Miranda flinched. She took another moment to respond clutching even harder at her hands.

"N-no. She did not broke down like anything you would imagine. She forgot all about the safe word." Another pause.

"She screamed. All of her body was enveloped in biotic energy. She broke her restrains and exploded all around. I was lucky to have reflectively put up my barriers. She destroyed the bed, the dresser beside the bed. She threw me across the room. I don't think she even realized who I was at the time. Shokewaves and warps were flying in all derelictions. She threw herself in the middle of the room destroying furniture and still screaming. One of the warps shattered the chandelier and it fell on her. It did not really injure her, only broke her barriers, but it was enough for me to knock her out in the state she was in."

Tall human fidgeted around a little bit before continuing.

"I cradled her in my arms until she came to. I think I was crying. It's all a big blur. I gave her medi-gel and some basic first aid and let her sleep in the guest room. I sat at her bedside until she woke up again. Somehow she remembered what had happen. I apologized over and over. Promised I would never put her through that ever again. All she said was that she wanted to be alone with such vacant expression... It was like I was not even there."

Miranda tried to blink away the tears. That didn't really work. With a heavy sigh she lifted her hands and rubbed her face.

"Two days later she... Jack packed her bags and told me it was over. She would not explain. Would not listen to my pleadings. She just... left."

Now that she got through the hardest part it was a bit easier to speak.

"For about a month I was wallowing in misery. Blaming myself for what happened, missing her, crying myself to sleep every night. But then I remembered something Shepard said to me before surrendering herself to the Alliance.

"_We are who we are. It is our actions, our history that shapes us. Every decision, every action, every step. Who we are is who we shape ourselves to be. And only if we're truly open to who we are and what we are we can move forward." _

So I decided to embrace what I have discovered about myself. J-Jack... She was broken and hurt and truly beyond my ability to help her. If I tried I would only bring her more pain. She needed time and... and maybe someone else but me. I had to move on, find my own way. A future where I could be true to myself. So I resigned from my position with the Alliance. I moved away from Earth. I already had sufficient funds from my father's assets and the Lazarus Medical Corporation I helped found back on Earth.

Illium seemed like a nice choice to settle down for a while. Oriana was here and it was sufficiently far way from Earth and Thessia and Rannoch where my friends lived out their happily ever afters. My sister often stayed with me during that time. Ori helped me so much I don't think I can put it into words. I buried myself in work. It took me almost two months to get used to my new life here. It seemed like things finally settled down, but then...

Then I met you and my life changed so swiftly and drastically I'm still having trouble believing in it."

A long silence settled between the two. First Miranda heard the sound of warm feet padding towards her. Second she felt Niala stopping behind her for a second as if not exactly sure herself what she was doing. But that hesitation only lasted a fraction of a moment – one beat of Miranda's heart and Nia's blue hands were securely wrapped around her waist. The asari was much shorter so her lips pressed a kiss between human brunette's shoulder blades just below the base of her neck. And it felt good. Exhilarating.

"Um... I won't leave you, Randa. I know exactly what I want. I know myself and my tastes pretty damn good and... well, you match them perfectly. I also know for a fact that I match your tastes quite well, too. After all," she chuckled against her back "I have been in your head."

"I know. But what if I screw up again? What if I hurt you?"

"No." Since when there was so much power in that silvery voice? One word managed to stop all the spluttering of hidden doubts and worries Miranda was about to unleash. "I know you. You would never hurt me. And if we ever have any problems, we'll figure it out."

Nia gently rubbed her face against Miranda's back. Then she pulled away and padded around on her soft feet to face her lover. She looked up into her eyes and Miranda felt that tight knot in her chest loosening. Niala took her hands in a very asari manner.

"Do you still love her? Even after what had happened?"

"I... I don't..." Normally so confident and dominating biotic was stammering with a look of confused disbelief on her beautiful face. "W-why would you ask me that? I would not know... It was my fault things fell apart. I took something she was not able to give. I..."

"What happened was not your fault, Randa." Niala voice was soft, calming, she was gently rubbing the edges of human's knuckles with her thumbs. "You could not have known what would happen. Who else would you try to express your desires if not with someone you love? If you had suppressed you urges how long do you think you could be happy?"

Miranda let out a huge sigh. She was looking somewhere in the distance.

"You're right. It might have ended later with me resenting her. That would have been worse. I still feel guilty and hurt about what happened, but... I did not stop caring about her. Jack... she deserves to be happy, even if its not with me." She looked down at the asari with a slightly worried expression. "Does that change what you think of me?"

Niala smiled one of those adorable smiles that made Miranda's heart skip a beat. Instead of answering the question she let go of brunette biotic's hands and gently cupped her face with both of her hands. Standing on tip toes she pulled her lover in for a gentle kiss. There was no passion or lust like in those kisses they shared earlier. Tattooed lips brought reassurance and tenderness instead.

Before Miranda could fully answer the kiss Nia pulled away. The asari's blue face suddenly seemed very serious.

"I've felt you had some reservations about us through the meld. And I was willing to wait for you to be ready to open up to me about it. But now since you have shared something very important with me I feel like I want to share something very important with you."

She breathed in as if about to dive head first into an ocean. Looked right into Miranda's eyes with those impossibly bright shining eyes of hers and said:

"I love you, Randa."

The tightness in former operative's chest exploded into a rush of warm bliss. She knew exactly what she was going to say next and with a happy realization felt that it was the truth she already knew deep inside for some time.

"Nia... I love you, too."

She was crying and laughing at the same time. It did seem more like a dream then anything to her. Did she really deserved to be this happy?

"I know." Niala was beaming at her, her whole face was illuminated with joy. "I have been in you head after all."

She moved towards the door to her left, turned around half way to it and reached out her hand to Miranda.

"Someone was saying something about a shower or am I mistaken?"

"No, you're not." Former operative took her lovers smaller hand and everything in the world miraculously fell into place.

"Since we've made so much progress, I think we've ought to celebrate a bit." Niala paused and continued with an evil smirk, "I'm still going down on you first and now you can not deny me or even complain. I said "I love you" first."

"Show off."

They disappeared into the bathroom laughing together.

**TBC... **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** I decided to make shorter chapters then I originally planned. Also I got permission from wonderful Rae D. Magdon to base this story in her TBE universe. "Wedding Planner extraordinaire" references the Shepard-T'Soni wedding in her amazing story "Match Made In Purgatory". Check it out! There will be more little hints later on.

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Chapter II

Nos Astra. What a duplicitous, hypocritical place.

The famous "free culture" of Illium snapped back to it's romanticized debauchery as soon as the damage from the Reaper war was mostly restored. Thanks to the stockpiles of fission weapons and a great deal of luck Illium was speared the devastation some of the other similarly populated worlds had suffered. Even though just over a year has passed since the Reaper war the unofficial asari colony managed to almost completely regain its former glory, not in small way due to damage of its Mass Relay being only minimal. In terms of security and stability Illium was once again one of the most desirable locations in both the Citadel Space and Terminus Systems. Underneath that however were the same lax laws legalizing drugs, weapons and technology for both trade and manufacturing.

There was one key difference the Reaper invasion brought to this planet. The corporate overlords, having witnessed first hand the terror of Reaper indoctrination, firmly put slavery in the illegal column. Even in Terminus Systems with the downfall of the Batarian Hegemony and stricter security around rebuilding worlds the slave trade was having a dry streak.

Still given all of its lax laws and questionable business practices Illium was mostly a safe place to live. Otherwise Miranda Lawson would have never allowed her sister to live in Nos Astra in the first place.

The former operative was sitting at a table in one of the more low key restaurants waiting for something while mussing over her barely touched martini. The view from the open terrace where the table was located was indeed spectacular. The setting sun was raining its light beams through the familiar skyline. The buzz of skytraffic way above the restaurant subsided at this level allowing the customers to have a quiet conversation.

It had been barely a week since Miranda moved out here from Earth. Quitting her job, selling the spacious apartment with most of what's inside, relocating to a planet several Relay jumps away might have seemed like running away for an uninvolved spectator, but the day she decided to finally get out of bed Miranda also decided to be completely honest with herself. Examining her own feeling now she was absolutely sure that moving on was the correct decision.

Her life on Earth after the Reaper war was not an unhappy one. Since Miranda managed to pull off a miracle again by putting barely alive Commander Shepard back together, she received a full pardon for her involvement with Cerberus. The military Command – all that was left of Systems Alliance governing body – had requested that she work with them. Miranda accepted gladly. There galaxy just started to rebuild, there were so many things that needed to be done.

Aside form bringing her in on for missions involving the last remaining Cerberus cells, the military wanted something else.

They wanted her to recreate Project Lazarus on a grater scale. Not to bring back people (that would have been way to expensive especially for the state the galactic economy was in), but to use the technology and breakthroughs achieved through Lazarus to lift human medicine to the next level. That was more complicated. However, Miranda was exited to be able to rise to the challenge. She insisted that the new Initiative would only receive oversight form the military. It had to be financed and staffed by people from the private sector. The whole of humanity deserved to reap the benefits of that research not just the military.

All the while Miranda was busy with decoding and organizing the data from the Cronos station, Jack did her best to rebuild the Grissom Academy on Earth. It was going surprisingly well.

They moved in together after getting back from Thessia. Maybe it was the time spend together at the T'Soni Estate or the romantic atmosphere of the wedding, but most likely the talk they had with Shepard and Liara that pushed the couple into taking the next step. It was great! Exiting, new, a little frightening even. Neither of the two woman ever been so close to another person. This whole relationship business was new and awkward and frustrating at times. Something Jack liked to point out at every opportunity.

Still... It was good. Waking up with her, eating breakfast with her, coming back home and see Jack there waiting instead of an empty apartment. Miranda had to admit she was happy.

That is until the incident.

The decision to leave that apartment behind was not an easy one by any measure. But it had to be done. Too much of that place reminded the raven haired woman of the life she lost. Ruined herself, actually. There was too much guilt, too many memories that had turned from happy to tortuous because of one single mistake. So Miranda left it all behind. The apartment, her job, even the planet.

The light wind rustled her long black hair. The expression on human biotic's face changed slightly. She was not exactly comfortable in Nos Astra. Yes, being able to see Oriana more often was like a blessing. One truly happy thing that made her otherwise hard times more bearable. Eating lunch together, watching Oriana practice playing the violin, watching some stupid soapy drama and laughing together. Even one of those things Miranda secretly always wanted to do: having a slumber party and braiding each others hair before bed.

Thinking about all those normal, ordinary things she never thought she would have made Miranda smile. Everyone should be able to experience something like that. Saving her sister, giving her a normal life was always the driving force behind the former operative motivations. But she never even considered herself to be a part of Oriana's life. If Shepard did not encouraged her to get to know Ori she would have newer...

A tiny surge of guilt interrupted the course of Miranda' thoughts. She have not contacted Shepard or Liara for a long time. Nor did she gotten in contact with any of her other squad mates and friends for that matter. Shepard was always there for her, Commander helped her to save Oriana twice, opened her eyes about the Illusive Man, trusted her. She even played the role of Wedding Planner extraordinaire at the infamous Shepard-T'Soni wedding! And yet she just could not bring herself to call and explain what had happened.

It was selfish and maybe even cowardly, but the happy-ever-after Shepard and Liara had was like a cruel reminder of what Miranda had lost. It was all still too raw. Brunette just came to terms with what she had done herself, it took so much to move on, explaining what had happened to Shepard would bring on all matter of feelings Miranda was not ready to deal with yet.

There was one person however that could help her. One person that would not judge. Calm like a clear lake high up the mountains, serene as the snow on the mountain tops. That person that had always been such a calming influence on Miranda. So now she was sitting here waiting for the Justicar to meet her. Maybe Samara could offer some of her wisdom and even if not, she surely would agree to listen to human woman's worries.

Just their meeting time approached the Justicar as always clad in her red armor appeared at the door. Samara was always very punctual. Normally so was Miranda, but not today. Today she arrived a half an hour earlier being impatient for the first time in years. The former operative had chosen a table at the far corner of the terrace separated by two glass walls from other patrons.

"It is nice to see you again, Miranda." The elegant asari took a seat opposite the human woman. "Do you require my talents for a mission?"

"It is indeed good to see you, Justicar. And no, this meeting is a social call. I thought I made it clear in my message."

"My talents are not limited to battle skills." There was just a hint of a smile at the corners of Samara's lips. "The Code requires me to support my comrades in a time of need. That would seem to be my mission today."

"Do I really look that distressed?" Miranda was slightly disappointed. She always thought highly of her ability to control her expressions and body language.

"Not to a stranger. I had the opportunity to get to know you during our time on the Normandy. The Code demands I see through the masks people put up to hide their true self. Otherwise I may not see the difference between the guilty and the innocent."

"Well, I do need your advice. Would you listen to what I have to say? It's concerning my relationship with Jack." Miranda paused looking imploringly at Samara. The Justicar only leaned a little closer and nodded her attention.

The ex-Cerberus agent hived a huge sigh and dived head first into the turmoil.

"Jack broke up with me. It was my fault. I wanted something she could not give. I stepped over her boundaries and it backfired. I convinced her to do... something very invasive... um..." Now that she was actually telling Samara about the incident that caused her break up Miranda did not quite know how to broach the subject.

"You can talk freely about your sexual experiences to me." Seeing an almost shocked expression on Miranda's face the Justicar continued: "I had three daughters, Miranda. And before that I was a maiden like any other asari. Being a Justicar does not preclude me form being a person. I may have forsworn having more children and given up all worldly possessions to follow the Code, but I do remember my life before that. Tell me how it is. You don't have to hide your true self from me."

"Thank you, Samara." It was so much easier for Miranda to open up now that she knew for sure she won't be judged, her desires, her motivations will not be questioned. All she had to do was tell the truth as it is.

"I... I wanted to dominate Jack in bed. We always had this cat and mouse game. The power play was nice, but being with Jack awakened something in me I did not knew existed. Before her there was only a string of meaningless one night stands and dead-end relationships. She was the first person I really opened up to. I found myself wanting to have her, to possess her, make her say she was mine. Make her say that we would always be together. But..."

She suddenly downed the rest of her martini in one go. Letting all of it out turned out to be harder then Miranda expected.

"Now I realize Jack was not ready for such a relationship. The scars Cerberus and her life after she escaped Pragia had left her with run very deep. I thought I could heal them. I was wrong. She... You know, she only said "I love you" to me twice. The second one being in her sleep."

Miranda chuckled sadly. Now it seemed morbidly amusing for some inexplicable reason.

„Jack always wanted to be the one to initiate our sexual encounters. She only just gotten used to a bare minimum of intimacy like always sharing a bed with me and not tense up when I sneak up on her to give her a hug. I don't know why I could not see that she was not ready for what I wanted."

She paused and ran a hand trough the strands of her silky black hair. With a resigned sigh Miranda continued.

"No, that's not true. Somewhere deep inside I have always known Jack would not be able to give the intimacy I wanted. That new desire I felt blinded me to everything beyond my own need. So I kept trying to convince her to do it. I researched and prepared." She sighed. "That was so stupid. However much I prepared and convinced myself that it would be great just as long as Jack agreed, I had no idea what I was doing."

Human brunette leaned back in her chair with an exhausted expression on her beautiful face. The asari Justicar was only looking at her while patiently waiting for the story to continue.

"I... About a month ago I got Jack to agree to an experiment. I restrained her, used ropes to bind her hands and legs. Jack was sniggering at it. When she was completely immobile I started to tease her. It quickly devolved into something completely different. I did everything I could to break her to my will. For her to submit, to say the words I wanted to hear so much. I could not even see what it was doing to her. It's like I was slowly replaced in her eyes with someone else. Someone cruel, brutal. The moment I touched her, she..."

"Jack had a mental breakdown. She was attacking everything in sight with her biotics. She was not recognizing me at all. She lost control completely, breaking everything in sight. I... I somehow managed to knock her out."

Miranda exhaled another sigh and hid her face in her hands for a moment. She did not cry, there had been enough of it. The image of Jack being devoured by rage and hurt had momentarily suspended her ability to speak.

"I took care of her as much as I could. I knew she would not want to go to the hospital or talk to anyone so I sent people who heard us away. I sat by her bed until she woke up. There was nothing in her eyes. I said I was sorry, that I would never do anything like that to her ever again. The only response I got was that she wanted to be alone. She was not even angry. For two days she would not get out of the guest room. Then... Then she packed her bags, told me it was over and left."

In a uncharacteristic gesture of support Samara reached out and took Miranda's hands in her own. The human woman squeezed the offered hand appreciatively.

"I was besides myself with hurt and guilt for weeks. I don't think I ever cried as much in my life. But in the end I decided to be true to myself. I had to move on. So I quit my job for the Alliance and moved here to Illium. You are the first person I told any of it. I haven't even really explained what happened to my sister. All Ori knows is that I broke up with Jack and wanted to be closer to her so I moved out here."

There was a long moment of silence. The sun finally set and they were illuminated by neon lights of upper Nos Astra.

"Miranda," it was clear the Justicar was picking her words carefully. "You need to find your own way. Whenever one chapter of a life ends another begins. You must not blame yourself for what had occurred. People are complicated creatures be it humans, asari or any other species. There is a lot of terrible things in the universe, do not let them deter you from finding the good."

They sat in the evening lights for a while. Neither of them spoke and yet mere presence of Samara was letting Miranda relax. That special serenity of the old Justicar's calm like the sea eyes made her breathe easier.

"I have lost two daughters." Miranda flinched uncomfortably at those words. She did not want to equate her mistreatment of Jack to Justicar's personal tragedy. Samara almost smiled again. After the Justicar had to kill Morinth the then not-so-former operative was the first one to offer hr condolences. Being able to tell a lie form the truth the asari matriarch knew that Miranda was indeed distraught by her tragedy. Much later the human woman confessed that death of a child, be it as it may a grown asari daughter, hit very close to home for her. Tragic as that loss was, one of the reasons the wise asari grew close to Miranda. The operative supported her when no one else would even suspect she needed it.

"Listen. If I were to go back even knowing that I would loose them, I would have lived trough those times again. It's hard sometimes remembering what I had and what I had lost. However, I got Falere. I got to visit her more often. Because of what happened we became close again."

Speaking of her daughter made the usually neutral mask the Justicar donned slip a little. Her face softened and a small smile appeared at her lips.

"The tragedies and terrible things have happened since the beginning of time. So will it go on untill the end of times. We must have the strength to rise above the bad to strive towards the good. Look at your life, Miranda. If you were not working with Cerberus to save your sister you would not been able to resurrect Shepard. If the Collectors did not take millions of humans we would not have met. We would not have had defeated them. If you did not wanted so desperately to save your sister again you would not have been on Horizon at the right time. You would not have been able to place that tracker on Kai Leng. You helped to stop Cerberus and destroy the Reapers."

Justicar was looking straight at Miranda offering her the strength of her conviction.

"You wanted an advice from me. Here is the wisdom I can give you: do not let the misfortunes of your life stop you from perusing happiness. I am sure you will find it."

"Thank you, Samara. You are a wonderful friend." Human biotic was a little teary eyed, but was smiling a broad appreciative smile.

"I can not give you any advice concerning your new found sexual urges."

Tall brunette almost chocked on the olive in the fresh martini she only just received from a purplish asari waitress. She pulled out a napkin and threw a sideways glance at the retreating purple form. Miranda was not sure, but it seemed like that asari sped up her pace.

"Um... I didn't expect you to. I can handle that on my own. You have already done so much by listening to me!"

"I do however know someone who can."

Miranda did a double take. "You what?" It was not easy to get past her usually reserved and confident demeanor. Samara did it twice during this meeting. The Justicar seemed unperturbed by the reaction her statement received.

"I said I know who can help you make sense of what you want. Were you not informed? Sha'ira is residing in Nos Astra at the moment. I have known her a lifetime ago. I suppose I could arrange for you to have a meeting. If you want."

The former operative wore a puzzled expression for a couple of minutes. Then nodded to herself and smiled.

"I do. I want to know more about it. I want to learn how to be true to what I am feeling and not to hurt anyone. If you feel like meeting the Consort will help me in any way I would gladly take you up on that offer. Now how about some food? I have to admit this conversation made me very hungry."

"As you wish. I will dine with you."

"How is Falere? Is she doing alright?"

"Yes, she is quite content being at the monastery. I was able to visit her not long ago. We discussed you among other things."

"Really? I'm flattered." The tightness in Miranda's chest vanished almost completely, all of that huge weight she was still carrying with her had lifted. What could be a better ending to such an enlightening day then having dinner with a good friend?

"So what else did you talk about?" she asked smiling contently.

For the first time since that night Miranda truly felt at peace with what happened. She was just having fun and it was good enough for now.


End file.
